Day Seventeen

We are beginning to settle into a bit of a routine around the old casa. Each day starts a little earlier to be sure we are able to get Dad his medications & breathing treatments. And the days end a little later to be sure we can keep up with laundry and all the other normal day to day stuff. He is still able to get around with the help of a walker so that helps and makes things a little easier. I know that shortly that wont be the case but when that happens we will just have to adjust. I have found that we are becomming very good at that.

I do wish he could/would quit smoking though. For so many reasons...some obvious & some not so obvious. But my biggest concern is that when he goes out the backdoor for a cigarette he will lose his balance, or slip on the ice and fall. And with the cancer, his body cannot take any kind of traumatic event. That is just a fact. In the grand scheme of things, the end result will be the same. Nothing will change that. But I would like for his last months/weeks to be as comfortable as possible, and throwing a broken hip into the mix sounds like a really shitty idea. It is one of the small things that continue to give him some comfort though so I do understand why he doesn't want to quit. I guess it is just one of the things we will adjust to for now, and later it will be a non-issue.

He has started to have some pain...nothing severe or debilitating yet. But the Doctor has started him on a pain patch to manage it. It seems to be working very well and I am thankful for that. The one thing I cannot imagine is for him to have pain that isn't manageable. That I think would be heartbreaking. Overall, he is doing well though. I am thankful for that.

Hospice has been so wonderful. If you have never dealt with Hospice, lucky you!! But if you have, you know what I am talking about. They come into our house several times a week to be here with him when we cant. And they help with some of the basic day to day needs. His aid...Beth...what an amazing woman!! She & I have only spoken by phone but I imagine when I meet her in person she will have wings and a halo, and carry a harp. She is the perfect combination of empathy & no-nonsense. She is just the perfect person for his personality. She helps with his baths and keeps him company for an hour or so twice a week. She doesn't let him get away with anything either....calls him out when he needs it. I just cannot say enough about her, or the entire HCI staff that we have dealt with so far. If you ever find yourself in a position that will require their services, rest assured they are amazing. Each & every one of them.

I wish there was someone that could come in a clear up all of the family drama though. I have to say that if you have ever done/said something to someone you love & not apologized or tried to make ammends....DO IT NOW. Because you never know when you might need them. The people closest to you should be treasured & appreciated. Dont ever forget that. Someday it will be too late. And that is sad. Sadder than I can even explain. But trust me when I tell you....do not leave anything undone if it can be avoided.

Well, enough for now.

Day Eleven

Eleven days ago today we brought my Father-in-law home to live with us for whatever time he has left. Five days prior to that he was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer of the lung. It has spread to his liver and the adrenal gland and most likely it has begun to spread into the brain, but he chose not to have the MRI that would show that for sure. And I guess in the grand scheme of things, knowing for sure doesn't really change anything because if it isn't there, it will be. He has chosen not to take any treatment & I don't blame him for that at all. Anything they would do would only prolong his time, not cure the disease. And from what I have seen, the treatments for cancer can be worse than the disease sometimes. And that is the black & white of our life right now. The rest is all shades of gray, or as my sister likes to see it...silver. And it's the shades of gray that I will write about as we go through this.

Moving Day...

A couple of weeks ago it was moving day for Critter and Burda, and it was a good thing because it brought them closer to home. But I realized while we were going through boxes and arranging the new place that there is a very fine line between the crazy pride I feel when I see the adults they are becoming, and the nearly debilitating sadness I feel about the children they will never be again. I know as parents our main job is to raise functioning and contributing members of society, or at least I knew that in theory. But I just don't think I ever truly prepared myself for the time when they would be out on their own, acting all grown up. The time just went by too quickly and I would give my left arm to get a few hours of it back. There is so much I would love to go back and warn them about.....credit card companies, stupid boys and speeding tickets being just a few. But more importantly than that, I would make sure they know how very much I love their faces! To say I am proud to be their Mom is about the biggest understatement I could possibly make. I used to wonder what in the world possessed me to have the Little Man so late in life. I could literally see that empty nest stage from where I was then. But now I know....it was to save me from the empty nest stage!! I just don't think I would have handled living in a childless house very well. I am lucky enough to be married to a man I love dearly, and I know we would have made the most of that time. The house to ourselves, travel whenever we saw fit, but I am just not built for that for the long haul. I need the noise and the confusion and the chaos that kids bring to a home!! I kind of thrive on it if I am being honest. Those three kids represent the best choices I have ever made and I would not go back and change any of it. Not for all the money the lottery gods could throw at me.

First Update, The Kids

Well, we are now down to only one child still at home...Burda moved out last summer to start college. She is sharing an apartment with her older brother and her cousin, and it has proven to be a pretty wonderful arrangement. They all get along great and I am really glad they have this time to spend together. I think when they get older and move on with their lives they will look back on this very fondly. It has certainly been an adjustment for me, getting used to both Critter and Burda being out of the house, but there is also something very satisfying about watching them grow as adults.

Critter has now decided to finish his college education at AIB with a major in Business Admin and a minor in Finance. Seems he loves the banking industry and wants to make it his career. Burda started at DMACC looking into Criminal Justice, but I think she will also be joining her brother at AIB in the fall. Both are working very hard, and I couldn't be more proud.

The Little Man started and finished the first grade, and will be in second in the fall. He also has decided that maybe soccer isn't the sport for him, and is now trying his little hand at baseball. And he seems to have quite a knack for it. Of course it is also a lot of fun for Mom and Dad to watch. There is really nothing more comical than watching little kids trying sports for the first time. If I can remember to take the camera, I will try to post some pictures from his next game.

More to come....

Wow...Where Has the Time Gone?

Was just browsing, and realized it has been a whole year (give or take a few days) since I have posted. I have visited, and even written, but just not posted. So, guess it is time to turn it on again. Life has changed a lot in the last year, and I will tell you all about it. But for now, it is just good to be back.

Happy Belated Birthday To My First Baby Boy

My oldest turned 21 on Tuesday June 9th, and all I can say is where the hell did the time go anyway?? Seems like just yesterday the nurse laid him on my chest, and he stared back at me with those big beautiful dark eyes....and I fell in love with him in that instant. And I fell hard. And even now he continues to amaze me with all that he is and all that he will be. Happy 21st birthday Christopher Joseph!! You make me more and more proud every single day and I am lucky to call you my son.

Hard to Believe She's All Grown Up

Burda and Zack after graduation.

Maybe not the best picture but absolutely my favorite! Look at that smile!

All my babies together. And Critter is holding the flower Burda gave to me after she got her diploma. And that is when the waterworks got serious! Thought I could hold it together, but not so much. Turned into a blubbering mess, but she was no better so it was all good.